Archive for true confessions

Last One Left On the Playground

Posted in A Lil About Me, Memories, Randomosity, True Confessions with tags , , , , , on July 5, 2011 by Angela

I often feel like I’m the last one left on the playground.

You know, like how it is during recess or whenever when you line up along the fence and pick teams?

Kinda like that.

There’s a heirarchy in the way we are are picked in life. Little did we know it would closely resemble how it was on the playyard.

Undoubtedly, the all-stars get picked first. Next come the almost all-stars. These are then followed by the friends of the all-stars. Who are just a level above the ones who are mediocre enough to be classified as neither ‘that good’ or ‘that bad’.

As the pickings keep getting slimmer, someone wonders aloud if they really have to pick any more or can they stick with what they’ve got?

The rules of fairness are you pick until there’s no one left or an odd one out.

That’s me.

Somehow or another.

I am forever feeling like odd one out.

The funny thing is you’d think I’d quit showing up to the playground. Surely you’d think I could catch the hint and quit lining up, wouldn’t you?

Yet there’s an underlying determination that drives me to keep at it, time and time again.

There’s something in me that says maybe, one day.

Maybe tomorrow or the next day.

Or the one after that.

Perhaps I won’t be the last one left on the playground.


No (Wo)Man Is An Island…Yet Mine Is So Incredibly Tranquil

Posted in A Lil About Me, True Confessions with tags , , , on June 29, 2011 by Angela

“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated…As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness….No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

~~Devotions upon emergent occasions – Meditation XVII, 1624 John Donne (1572-1631)

I am certain many have heard the above quotation is some form of paraphrase, if not in its entirety or formal context.

In essence what the select snippet “No man is an island, entire of itself…” refers to is the intrinsic dependence and need for humans to interact with other humans whether that interaction is good, bad or indifferent. There is really no getting around it.

If you doubt that just think for a moment about the contrary: solitary confinement.

To a reasonably sound-minded and healthy individual this type of forced isolation is/can be considered extreme punishment because it greatly deprives them of interaction by diminishing contact to virtually non-existent levels. Quite often it produces the desired negative effect and then some.

While I totally understand this, I am one such person who values the solitude which being on my island has afforded me. Primarily in part because I’ve consciously made it such a place of paradise that when it’s contrasted with the alternative of mainland…there’s hands down no comparing the two.

One of my personality/character traits is having a quiet, soft-spoken demeanor. From my earliest memories I’ve never really felt the need to draw attention or interaction to myself.

Interestingly enough, it’s one of the very things that seem to either draw people towards me if it doesn’t at first make them uneasy. Really I came to see over time it only makes attention-seekers uneasy because how I am in many cases seems to intensify the contrast that much more which in turn just highlights it more.

I’ve always created a very pleasant, tranquil personal space. The ambiance is unparalleled because I see it as a place of rest, relaxation and rejuvenation.

I am the only female child of my siblings so I really didn’t interact with females in a living situation until I went away to college. I went through a few roommates who uncomfortable with my quietness thought I didn’t like them and no amount of reassurance can assure the insecure.

This isn’t reserved to women though; there are men who also don’t comprehend the benefits of a relaxed soul. I just don’t understand how if I say I am just quiet you get I’m mad or don’t like you? My answer to that is you don’t have to be around me to figure it out, so be gone. No harm, no foul, my feelings are unhurt and my conscience remains clear.

In raising my daughter, I exposed her to the beauty of a home of solitude. In many ways she’s benefitted from the chaos-free environment but being her own person she ultimately has to create her own island and that’s okay. She’s just been shown a different way.

Over the years, I have had visitors to my island with different and mixed responses. But there is an overwhelming acknowledgment of the sense of calmness that I keep within my space. Too much introduction of the wrong energy can upset the balance.

Therefore, I opt to make more frequent trips off my island than I seek to invite visitors to my island.

Despite being quiet in my demeanor, I do manage to get my fill of human interaction quite easily. Along with the genuine and natural drawing to myself that I’ve become accustomed to I am routinely subjected to unwarranted interaction. There still exists the need for people to seek to change and better my interaction experience to their liking rather than mine.

Thresholds reached I whisk myself back to paradise’s shores.

Honestly though, I’m not so much concerned with leaving MY island as much as I desire to add to it a permanent, fulltime resident. one who is content to be holed up with the likes of me.

Hmmm, if only…..

~peace & blessings~

Diggin’ My Heels In: The Up Side Of Stubbornness

Posted in A Lil About Me, Memories, Randomosity, True Confessions with tags , , , , on January 3, 2011 by Angela

Hello & Happy New Year!!!!

It’s that time of year where many of us embark upon the dreaded New Year’s Resolutions. For many these are entered into with an incorrect or weak mindset so it just becomes a frivolity.

However, if you break resolution by definition as it pertains to having resolve and/or to be resolute then you realize exactly how strong an attached action this word requires. It’s not for the faint of heart by any means and not to be uttered nearly as lightly as many do.

I really and truly understand and know a few things about failing. Most successes don’t occur without some measure of failure along the way. The key is to have an intense determination and to keep at it until you reach the desired goal no matter what.

I’ve done some reading about resolutions and what it means, etc. and in doing so, came across something I found very interesting.

It gave the fresh perspective on resolution in light of making the commitment to move from dissonance (lack of agreement or consistency between one’s beliefs and actions) in a particular area of our life into one of consonance (harmony or agreement among components).

This is all about doing what we know and eliminating the ambiguity that otherwise exists. I found that to be a positive way to approach New Year’s Resolutions. Don’t just perceive it as a strict black and white all or nothing type of utterance but rather take measured steps towards creating harmony among what you believe or know in your heart and how that plays out in your actions.

I have long since embraced New Year’s Resolutions and have seen the value of challenging myself with the growth that can come from them. As I thought back over how I became attuned to the resolution process, I recalled a story from my childhood.

Ironically enough, this story happened on New Year’s Day in 1976 or 1977.

There is the traditional New Year’s Day meal in many southern (Black) households to serve chittlins & black-eyed peas. Well, I reject all things soul food and have from the womb so there was really no way on earth I was even going to eat what was served that day.

I had pretty much knew this as I smelled the food was being cooked….I had long since learned to not peek in any pots after I was once rudely assaulted to see a pot of boiling pig ears.

My mother was determined to break my resolve and have me eat. I ate the cornbread and drank water. And then I sat. And sat.

My brothers finished and moved on to desert and eventually were excused. My father could have cared less but of course, had to let my mother have her way.

The table emptied and still….I sat with a plate of cold chittlins and black-eyed peas.

I sat until I fell asleep at that table and almost fell out the chair. Eventually I was excused and sent to my room.

I often think back to how at such a young age I had that stubborn streak which with cultivation as I matured makes me an unstoppable force when I dig my heels in and commit to my beliefs.

Funny and abstract though it may be, that’s the memory I conjure up whenever I think about approaching a New Year’s Resolution.

I sit and I smile.

~Peace & Blessings~

In God’s Time

Posted in A Lil About Me, Randomosity, True Confessions with tags , , , , , on December 22, 2010 by Angela

This is an area of opportunity for me that has to undergo tweaking every now and again (namely when I feel that something isn’t happening that I feel should be happening). There is a part of me that is accepting of the concept but that part gets bullied by the part of me that pretty much “demands” to have a complete and total understanding of just how this timing works and to have a hand in said timing.

Being inquisitive, in itself, is not a bad thing and is a part of my nature but it becomes a major obstacle when I get so caught up in trying to understand and affect timing that is beyond and above my control.

Now for a lightweight control freak such as me, this can cause a touch of anxiety because I am of the belief that if you do certain things, you receive certain rewards/benefits/results/perks, etc. and that there is a timetable attached or one that can readily be seen in one’s foreseeable future.

Not so as it comes to totally and wholly realigning my thinking.

Admittedly, I am more at peace when I am in the state of acceptance….now all I have to do is dwell there ever more J.

~Peace & Blessings~

Another Again….

Posted in A Lil About Me, Daily Living, Flashback, Life Lessons, Memories, Randomosity, True Confessions with tags , , , , on September 29, 2010 by Angela

What is the temptation that leads us into generally highly unproductive, familiar scenarios?

Okay, I just answered my own question. I keep talking (to myself) enough and that tends to happen….Its the familiarity of it.

Think about those two pairs of shoes or jeans you have in the closet. One new and barely used….the other tried & true, fits you to a tee. Which of the two do you seem to always gravitate towards?

And so it goes in some certain aspects of our lives with that tried & true fit or so you think…some times we’ve molded and conformed ourselves to fit the very things in our lives we ought to avoid.

I have never been an addictive type of personality. I consider it quite the feat of discipline to be able to “cold turkey” any behavior I set my mind to and that can stretch to years on end. In the event that I may one day decide I will pick it up for that day, I can and then its back to the “cold turkey”.

I have a fair amount of personal successes in this for as long as I can recall. One of my very first  memorable and undoubtedly longest lasting ones involves chicken. It was after a particularly bad experience with a piece of chicken ….I decided I wouldn’t eat it anymore, I guess I had to be 7-8 yrs old (also decided I didn’t like death/funerals at this time and in my lifetime have attended only 3 that I recall and those were in my late 20’s).

Of course this no-poultry kick (and various other food boycotts) was much to my mother’s dismay as she knew how to serve chicken countless ways. I would patiently (read:stubbornly) sit alone at the dining table for hours with my hands in my lap, very resolute.  I can outwait the best of them with very little stress or discomfort.

Additionally, with being the only girl, I was charged with cooking for the men (my father & brothers) and yep, chicken was on the menu many days….LOL. I fried, baked, fricasseed, etc. etc. ETC. During the holidays I got the raised eye about my chicken fear…however to my greedy brothers & male cousins that just  meant more for them.

This “cold turkey” lasted until I relented in my late teens and added chicken nuggets to my diet. In college, one of my work study jobs was in the campus grill. It was there I tried chicken salad topped with bacon bits (which I since nixed  once I began the no-pork quest) and BBQ’d shredded chicken. Still won’t eat a piece of traditionally Southern fried chicken if you hold a gun to my head but I will eat some boneless variety chicken from time to time but overall….still not a fan of chicken and can easily go years without it touching my lips despite cooking it quite often for my daughter.

Wow…that was quite the detour down Personal Business Blvd but it was the scenic route and it was in the same general neighborhood of where I was going with this thing.

Back to the main point…

Oh yea, there are really some….shall I say, quasi-VICES, I would rather not have the taste (mentally) for….I won’t bother listing but its along a broader spectrum than the obvious sexual connotations of this song which if you’ve been there you may, like myself, know all too well the intoxicating draw….

Symbolically to me, the lyrics show how our base human nature engages in the good v. evil battle, dealing with tempation when we know better via past experience. Expecting different results from the same actions is flawed logic at best.

I’ve always thought it empowering to know my weaknesses and to attempt to monitor, regulate and master or at the very least control of them…quite the feat in some cases, others not so much.

Amusingly, I’ll hum this melody at times to remind (maybe warn ?) myself of an impending another again….

~peace & blessings~

True Confessions: Green with Envy

Posted in True Confessions with tags , , on July 29, 2010 by Angela

{graphics courtesy of &}

In my quest to understand self, I have had to come to terms with being ENVIOUS (not to be confused with jealous). As with a lot of negative emotions, folks never want to readily admit to such a thing. However upon contemplation, I realize this is one of the things that is at the root of a lot of discontentment I feel with myself from time to time. It’s not an envy of an individual but moreso where I envy being in a certain state of being…..fully knowing that perception is reality.

It doesn’t make me bitter or angry (ummm, seriously… doesn’t) but it has me wracking my brain to get to that nirvana in my mind.

P.S. Green is one of my favorite colors….although associated w/envy….in brighter shades it has very pleasant connotations.

True Confessions: I’m A Hater…..

Posted in True Confessions with tags , on May 20, 2010 by Angela

(graphic courtesy of free-extras)

Confession is good for the soul, so they say, right?

Well, here goes….. I’m a hater. Yep, that’s right, I’m a hater.

*waiting for the loud clap of thunder & flash of lightning*


Hmmm, the coast is all clear to continue.

So, now that I’ve confessed, now what? Sure, I’ve been called one before but like most, it tends to be used loosely & erroneously. I’m fairly sure some have called me one behind my back and will continue to do so. C’est la vie.

I don’t hate on another’s possessions, looks, talents or anything along those lines. My particular brand of hate is more closely paralleled to a sense of envy minus the malice.

I hate on things of which I am not easily, readily or naturally the beneficiary.

I hate on having to “live it” to learn the lesson because I’m one of those people that heeds. I can appreciate the warning without going through the tribulation.

I hate on situations or circumstances that I feel entitled to but which are denied me (don’t we all to some degree?).

I especially hate when people openly don’t appreciate their good situation or circumstance and instead choose to complain.

I really, really hate that.

I don’t get bitter or angry as a result of hating. I get really introspect & sad. In other words, I begin decorating & writing out the invitations for my pity party.

Whether I RSVP is dependent on the setting, time of day or how busy I am at the moment. So the depth of the feelings  or emotions evokes are varied.

I am sure I could always find more things to hate on if I wasn’t careful because like any negative emotion that type of thing snowballs once it gets going.

When I feel like I am hating, I try to stop myself dead in my tracks, not always as easily done as said but I do make the acknowledgement.

Oddly enough one thing that seems to happen is that I generally turn the focus off me and what I’m feeling and become outwardly focused counteracting with positive actions to override the negativity.

Somehow that always manages to make me feel more humble and to put things a bit more into perspective. But I wonder if its a control mechanism as well as coping mechanism that just so happens to alleviate the sadness.

I consider myself a hard, diligent worker who tries to live by certain standards and mores. I’m  someone who does random good deeds and puts out good vibes just purely for the sake of goodness.

So, isn’t it is supposed to be part of the “payoff” that you get in return one day, anonymously, when you least expect it but most need it?

Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again.

Well, its been many days and some more many days and I am losing faith not really sure if there’s any reason or desire to have faith, hope or believe.

Yet I’m trying…..there is the part of me that is still actively trying.

~peace & blessings~