Archive for flashback

Last One Left On the Playground

Posted in A Lil About Me, Memories, Randomosity, True Confessions with tags , , , , , on July 5, 2011 by Angela

I often feel like I’m the last one left on the playground.

You know, like how it is during recess or whenever when you line up along the fence and pick teams?

Kinda like that.

There’s a heirarchy in the way we are are picked in life. Little did we know it would closely resemble how it was on the playyard.

Undoubtedly, the all-stars get picked first. Next come the almost all-stars. These are then followed by the friends of the all-stars. Who are just a level above the ones who are mediocre enough to be classified as neither ‘that good’ or ‘that bad’.

As the pickings keep getting slimmer, someone wonders aloud if they really have to pick any more or can they stick with what they’ve got?

The rules of fairness are you pick until there’s no one left or an odd one out.

That’s me.

Somehow or another.

I am forever feeling like odd one out.

The funny thing is you’d think I’d quit showing up to the playground. Surely you’d think I could catch the hint and quit lining up, wouldn’t you?

Yet there’s an underlying determination that drives me to keep at it, time and time again.

There’s something in me that says maybe, one day.

Maybe tomorrow or the next day.

Or the one after that.

Perhaps I won’t be the last one left on the playground.


Another Again….

Posted in A Lil About Me, Daily Living, Flashback, Life Lessons, Memories, Randomosity, True Confessions with tags , , , , on September 29, 2010 by Angela

What is the temptation that leads us into generally highly unproductive, familiar scenarios?

Okay, I just answered my own question. I keep talking (to myself) enough and that tends to happen….Its the familiarity of it.

Think about those two pairs of shoes or jeans you have in the closet. One new and barely used….the other tried & true, fits you to a tee. Which of the two do you seem to always gravitate towards?

And so it goes in some certain aspects of our lives with that tried & true fit or so you think…some times we’ve molded and conformed ourselves to fit the very things in our lives we ought to avoid.

I have never been an addictive type of personality. I consider it quite the feat of discipline to be able to “cold turkey” any behavior I set my mind to and that can stretch to years on end. In the event that I may one day decide I will pick it up for that day, I can and then its back to the “cold turkey”.

I have a fair amount of personal successes in this for as long as I can recall. One of my very first  memorable and undoubtedly longest lasting ones involves chicken. It was after a particularly bad experience with a piece of chicken ….I decided I wouldn’t eat it anymore, I guess I had to be 7-8 yrs old (also decided I didn’t like death/funerals at this time and in my lifetime have attended only 3 that I recall and those were in my late 20’s).

Of course this no-poultry kick (and various other food boycotts) was much to my mother’s dismay as she knew how to serve chicken countless ways. I would patiently (read:stubbornly) sit alone at the dining table for hours with my hands in my lap, very resolute.  I can outwait the best of them with very little stress or discomfort.

Additionally, with being the only girl, I was charged with cooking for the men (my father & brothers) and yep, chicken was on the menu many days….LOL. I fried, baked, fricasseed, etc. etc. ETC. During the holidays I got the raised eye about my chicken fear…however to my greedy brothers & male cousins that just  meant more for them.

This “cold turkey” lasted until I relented in my late teens and added chicken nuggets to my diet. In college, one of my work study jobs was in the campus grill. It was there I tried chicken salad topped with bacon bits (which I since nixed  once I began the no-pork quest) and BBQ’d shredded chicken. Still won’t eat a piece of traditionally Southern fried chicken if you hold a gun to my head but I will eat some boneless variety chicken from time to time but overall….still not a fan of chicken and can easily go years without it touching my lips despite cooking it quite often for my daughter.

Wow…that was quite the detour down Personal Business Blvd but it was the scenic route and it was in the same general neighborhood of where I was going with this thing.

Back to the main point…

Oh yea, there are really some….shall I say, quasi-VICES, I would rather not have the taste (mentally) for….I won’t bother listing but its along a broader spectrum than the obvious sexual connotations of this song which if you’ve been there you may, like myself, know all too well the intoxicating draw….

Symbolically to me, the lyrics show how our base human nature engages in the good v. evil battle, dealing with tempation when we know better via past experience. Expecting different results from the same actions is flawed logic at best.

I’ve always thought it empowering to know my weaknesses and to attempt to monitor, regulate and master or at the very least control of them…quite the feat in some cases, others not so much.

Amusingly, I’ll hum this melody at times to remind (maybe warn ?) myself of an impending another again….

~peace & blessings~

*FLASHBACK* When Is It Time To Compromise & Where To Even Begin….

Posted in Flashback, Memories, Relationships with tags , , , , on July 28, 2010 by Angela

Recently, I’ve been dealing more closely with my thoughts on compromise and came across something I wrote several years ago when I was in a stage of  “decisioned & active dating” and thought I share.


This has been quite a year for me socially as it pertains to dating. I mean I really did put myself out there and stretched outside of my box. I stretched so much so that it hurt at times but I wanted to allow myself those different experiences, to see if something needs to be fixed with me as far as me being too set in my ways and beliefs.

From my teens to my 20s to my 30s and into the first year of my 40s, I have mulled things over, silently assessed and pondered. And one of the main things I have come to think or realize is that I am stubborn in some of my beliefs and that I may very well be caught in a mental time warp of some sort.

I cannot lie I pretty much know that I have a straight up attitude as it pertains to not being physically attracted to a mate, even more so when I feel I am maintaining myself eating right, exercising and adapting to more positive life choices. I just cannot feel like there is not a visual aspect to the intimacy. And I challenge many to disagree with that.

Men are very visual creatures so I know there will not be too much argument there. I have some women that will admit to loosely having physical standards. However, when it all boils down to it, the majority of couples are (or WERE if they’ve grown together over the years) more physically evenly matched initially more often than not.

But then I feel a tinge of guilt as if I am being superficial when that is not fully the case. There is just some basic maintenance that cannot go unresolved and I cannot seem to look a man in the face daily thinking otherwise.

I have noticed somewhere along the lines that some men have stopped being the hunters and have transformed themselves into the prey and are more prone to positioning themselves and letting the women do battle over them.

That was probably the most disconcerting thing I encountered but I can understand how in all the aftermath of the women’s independence movement that some men have taken it to a whole new level. I cannot imagine my mother ever having to perform, parade or pop p*ssy to attract my dad as a viable lifemate.

So, I have to sit down with pen and paper literally and write a whole list of things down and see where can compromise within my standards be addressed.

As we grow older, our perspectives change and our needs, desires & wants can shift or be redefined.

Throughout my process of shifting, I have questioned myself as to what is more important what I want, what I need or what I desire. At times these overlap, at times they become intertwined or overshadowed, hence the sitting down with pen and paper to hash it out.

I look back and realize I spent my 30s unattached by strange twists of fate and more than a little rigidity and resolve. After an emotionally draining breakup I felt it important to take time off from dating and so that’s where the black hole stretches, from then to now.

I want dating to be like it was back in those days. I want things to be like I knew them from back then. I want those same rules to apply today like they did back then. I want men to be like they were back then and I just figured if I waited it out then maybe just maybe…

Okay, yea so I woke up finally.

I woke up mad but I woke up.

Well, kinda.

I am still a little bit groggy.

And I am fighting the urge to go back to sleep.


(to be continued……)

~Peace & blessings~