Archive for dating

Dating In A Holding Pattern….

Posted in A Lil About Me with tags , , , on September 28, 2011 by Angela

photo credit: SYNDYNE

This phrase definitely describes my “dating life” for a quite a bit….I have gone on a few dates and I am really resisting posting about them because they have been kinda comical.. I will allow time to past and then talk about them but I am still accepting and attempting (albeit halfheartedly at times)…but the above picture sums up what the terrain has been looking like which is why I am circling above….I’ve got plenty of reserve fuel and can wait until the skies are like this before I am cleared to land….

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*FLASHBACK* Revisiting Dating Expectations

Posted in A Lil About Me, Flashback, Love, Memories, Randomosity, Relationships, True Confessions with tags , , , on January 5, 2011 by Angela

In case you’re new to these pages….I’ve opened up a little more about dating so every now and then I pepper the blogs with a tale or two of dating.

I really don’t want to go overboard and make it seem as if I’m all-consumed by it so I meter out the discussions or ponderings a little here and a little there.

Therefore, some of these things are not necessarily realtime as they may have occurred in the present, near or long-ago past. But the funny thing is that they’re still timely in some form or fashion.

As I’ve travelled the journey of a single, never married woman from my late teens to early forties some things have loosely remained the same for me. However, much to my chagrin quite a bit around me has changed or evolved.

One of those things is dating, sometimes I actually think the lack thereof, and the expectations one has when they embark upon it.

In my experience, dating during the late teens through the early-mid 20s was primarily for acceptance, commitment (aka respectable/acceptable sex). Oh sure, there was some who favored sexual exploration and sowing of wild-oats but for the most part from junior high we are (or were) conditioned to crave acceptance & commitment from the opposite sex (speaking from a strictly hetero vantage point) to validate our worth, attractiveness, etc. There are a number of these relationships that progress on to marriage and/or otherwise long-term status (common law, spiritual union, etc.)

From mid-late 20s into early-mid 30s, if you weren’t one of the aforementioned or if your relationships didn’t progress to marriage, you transitioned to either dating for companionship or steady, reliable sex (although somewhere along the line booty calls & homey-lover-friends came into vogue seemingly giving the best of both/all worlds).

From early-mid 30’s to (my present age of reference) early-mid 40’s, those who haven’t entertained marriage are finally ready to turn in their player/playette cards & little black/hot pink book and put their lives into some form of predictable routine which would include career, marriage & family……..especially in that order if they are so blessed.

Also, there are those who are coming fresh off the heels of a “bad marriage” so their interest can either lie in companionship, sex or even jumping back into marriage because despite the pitfalls or disillusions they still desire that formal union with one person.

I can look back and see how I ran the gamut myself of any or all of these at some point. At times overlapping and inclusive while others solely motivated by one driving need that I desired to fulfill.

I can see the benefits of having experienced all and now I am thinking that to truly come full circle would be to want more than motivating factor to be present, dare I say all of the above? I’m sure that many would waffle over the word acceptance but even as we get older our definitions of acceptance change from that of validation to that of appreciation or worth of us as our unique & individual self.

Now I have transcended to some inexplicable state that questions everything and yet is actively seeking very little…..

~Peace & blessings~

*FLASHBACK* Revisiting Dating Expectations

Posted in A Lil About Me, Epicurean Chronicles, Flashback, Love, Memories, Questions, Randomosity, Relationships, True Confessions with tags , , , on October 7, 2010 by Angela

In case you’re new to these pages….I’ve opened up a little more about dating so every now and then I pepper the blogs with a tale or two of dating.

I really don’t want to go overboard and make it seem as if I’m all-consumed by it so I meter out the discussions or ponderings a little here and a little there.

Therefore, some of these things are not necessarily realtime as they may have occurred in the present, near or long-ago past. But the funny thing is that they’re still timely in some form or fashion.

As I’ve travelled the journey of a single, never married woman from my late teens to early forties some things have loosely remained the same for me. However, much to my chagrin quite a bit around me has changed or evolved.

One of those things is dating, sometimes I actually think the lack thereof, and the expectations one has when they embark upon it.

In my experience, dating during the late teens through the early-mid 20s was primarily for acceptance, commitment (aka respectable/acceptable sex). Oh sure, there was some who favored sexual exploration and sowing of wild-oats but for the most part from junior high we are (or were) conditioned to crave acceptance & commitment from the opposite sex (speaking from a strictly hetero vantage point) to validate our worth, attractiveness, etc. There are a number of these relationships that progress on to marriage and/or otherwise long-term status (common law, spiritual union, etc.)

From mid-late 20s into early-mid 30s, if you weren’t one of the aforementioned or if your relationships didn’t progress to marriage, you transitioned to either dating for companionship or steady, reliable sex (although somewhere along the line booty calls & homey-lover-friends came into vogue seemingly giving the best of both/all worlds).

From early-mid 30’s to (my present age of reference) early-mid 40’s, those who haven’t entertained marriage are finally ready to turn in their player/playette cards & little black/hot pink book and put their lives into some form of predictable routine which would include career, marriage & family……..especially in that order if they are so blessed.

Also, there are those who are coming fresh off the heels of a “bad marriage” so their interest can either lie in companionship, sex or even jumping back into marriage because despite the pitfalls or disillusions they still desire that formal union with one person.

I can look back and see how I ran the gamut myself of any or all of these at some point. At times overlapping and inclusive while others solely motivated by one driving need that I desired to fulfill.

I can see the benefits of having experienced all and now I am thinking that to truly come full circle would be to want more than motivating factor to be present, dare I say all of the above? I’m sure that many would waffle over the word acceptance but even as we get older our definitions of acceptance change from that of validation to that of appreciation or worth of us as our unique & individual self.

Now I have transcended to some inexplicable state that questions everything and yet is actively seeking very little…..

~Peace & blessings~

My Dating Pet Peeve…..(well, a couple of them)

Posted in Relationships with tags , , , on September 10, 2010 by Angela

{FYI: I will just put it out there right now that I am about to get on a tangent about dating here….so I will try to pepper them out but I could post about 3-4 right now.}

It’s not too far from the truth to say that as I’ve grown older I’ve grown to despise dating. Well, it’s more like I strongly dislike what dating has evolved into over the years. Or maybe it’s me; perhaps I haven’t changed enough. But I consider myself a traditionalist in some respects and along those lines change while wholeheartedly acknowledged isn’t always something that need be adapted to under all circumstances.

Not unlike many things….in my opinion, the art of dating has become a lost one. And since I am full of theories, I surmise that there are certain catalysts that contribute to this. However, I think that even with the modern relationships that we involve ourselves within, there are still key elements missing. Elements I believe that would serve to improve the dating process and making more beneficial or enjoyable.

One of these things that have me firing off this blog is something that happened the middle part of the week. As it so happens that I am thinking more and beginning to type, I am reminded of another that I will go ahead and address as well so think of it as a BONUS pet peeve.

SPONTANEOUS SUITORS

The issue of spontaneity is high on my list of pet peeves when it comes to dating. I am pretty direct about my interest in a man and in how I choose to spend my time and that is equally, if not more so, applicable as it applies to dating because it isn’t just dealing with the time of one person but rather two people.

I don’t say I’m going to maybe do something and flake out. I don’t string along trying to see if I will get a better offer. If I agree and accept a date, I intend to keep it unless it’s the most unforeseen circumstances.

Now on to how this all applies to today. I have this man in my building who has been asking me out and I’ve said I’m very busy with work and other personal interests/commitments. Every so often he corners me and feels me out (he’s informed me that he will wait for me….Oh brother, right?)

He asks what I have planned for the weekend. I run down what’s on my agenda mainly heavy with obligations on Saturday and Sunday. So he inquires about Friday. I say I’m free. Now this was somewhat a ‘feeler’ that I tossed out there to see how he responded or handled it.

I most certainly got the information that I was seeking. He began talking in rather vague terms when contrasted with me being very definite in my plans for each specific day. He says that he “might be free” and that “he’d have to play it by ear”.

My head snapped around at that and I said “excuse me, did you say play it by ear? I’m sorry but I don’t play it by ear.” If I say I’m going to do something or be available then I am or will be. I don’t waste someone’s time much like I don’t want mine to be wasted. He looked a slight bit surprised by what I said and I can understand why.

There are too many girls and women out there desperate to date that they allow men to call them up and under the guise of spontaneity will agree to go out with a man who calls them at 7 p.m. on a Friday or Saturday evening. I never have and never will.

I know it sounds real strict but if you want to go anywhere with me you, you will be respectful of my time and give me advance notice to make plans. Flexibility and spontaneity will not come into play until you develop a deeper rapport or relationship with me that would facilitate or dictate such introduction of factors.

I’m very old school when it comes to dating and I know that doesn’t bode well for me but as I stated earlier…think TRADITION/TRADITIONAL.

And the bonus peeve which came to mind….

CLANDESTINE DATERS

Now this one, I thought I left behind many years ago in college and certainly by my late 20’s.

I’ve never been a fan of dating men who seem to want to keep you under wraps and to only see you under certain circumstances which remarkably are along the lines of those booty call rules. You know where you “date” at either his place or your place. Where you don’t really see the light of day or manage to venture out into the public sector on the regular?

It’s kind of hard to discern when you both are all caught up in life, working, family, etc. However, when the dust settles and you realize, it can be a little eye-opening. I’m very conscious and aware so I try to date on a practical tip and do a lot of short/timed dating scenarios like lunches, coffee dates, happy hours or networking mixers. These are the types of things that are right up my alley and afford a reasonable amount of time to spend with someone. I arguably think they are way better than going out to eat and a movie where there is really not much more than 30% chance you even talk or vibe because the focus is the food or the movie.

In recent years, I‘ve had men try to “meet me” someplace in the evening hours or trying to show up at the same place that I am. Really, what’s up with that? And that’s dating, hmmm?

I am not a fan of these quasi-dates to where if you see something better you will scoop up on it or to where its early enough and if you strike out you can slide off to another location (which I may very well see you at later).

So you know this all leaves me pondering, right?

Here are my questions: What’s the point of dating if you are half-hearted about committing to specific time spent? If you are hiding the fact that you are spending time with someone you are ‘dating’….why even go through the motions?

~peace & blessings~

*FLASHBACK* When Is It Time To Compromise & Where To Even Begin….

Posted in Flashback, Memories, Relationships with tags , , , , on July 28, 2010 by Angela

Recently, I’ve been dealing more closely with my thoughts on compromise and came across something I wrote several years ago when I was in a stage of  “decisioned & active dating” and thought I share.

…………………………………………

This has been quite a year for me socially as it pertains to dating. I mean I really did put myself out there and stretched outside of my box. I stretched so much so that it hurt at times but I wanted to allow myself those different experiences, to see if something needs to be fixed with me as far as me being too set in my ways and beliefs.

From my teens to my 20s to my 30s and into the first year of my 40s, I have mulled things over, silently assessed and pondered. And one of the main things I have come to think or realize is that I am stubborn in some of my beliefs and that I may very well be caught in a mental time warp of some sort.


I cannot lie I pretty much know that I have a straight up attitude as it pertains to not being physically attracted to a mate, even more so when I feel I am maintaining myself eating right, exercising and adapting to more positive life choices. I just cannot feel like there is not a visual aspect to the intimacy. And I challenge many to disagree with that.

Men are very visual creatures so I know there will not be too much argument there. I have some women that will admit to loosely having physical standards. However, when it all boils down to it, the majority of couples are (or WERE if they’ve grown together over the years) more physically evenly matched initially more often than not.

But then I feel a tinge of guilt as if I am being superficial when that is not fully the case. There is just some basic maintenance that cannot go unresolved and I cannot seem to look a man in the face daily thinking otherwise.

I have noticed somewhere along the lines that some men have stopped being the hunters and have transformed themselves into the prey and are more prone to positioning themselves and letting the women do battle over them.

That was probably the most disconcerting thing I encountered but I can understand how in all the aftermath of the women’s independence movement that some men have taken it to a whole new level. I cannot imagine my mother ever having to perform, parade or pop p*ssy to attract my dad as a viable lifemate.

So, I have to sit down with pen and paper literally and write a whole list of things down and see where can compromise within my standards be addressed.

As we grow older, our perspectives change and our needs, desires & wants can shift or be redefined.

Throughout my process of shifting, I have questioned myself as to what is more important what I want, what I need or what I desire. At times these overlap, at times they become intertwined or overshadowed, hence the sitting down with pen and paper to hash it out.

I look back and realize I spent my 30s unattached by strange twists of fate and more than a little rigidity and resolve. After an emotionally draining breakup I felt it important to take time off from dating and so that’s where the black hole stretches, from then to now.

I want dating to be like it was back in those days. I want things to be like I knew them from back then. I want those same rules to apply today like they did back then. I want men to be like they were back then and I just figured if I waited it out then maybe just maybe…

Okay, yea so I woke up finally.

I woke up mad but I woke up.

Well, kinda.

I am still a little bit groggy.

And I am fighting the urge to go back to sleep.

……………………………………………………………..

(to be continued……)

~Peace & blessings~